


Trickster's Pawn

by PeroxidePirate



Category: Tortall - Pierce
Genre: AU, F/F, F/M, Other, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-05
Updated: 2010-04-05
Packaged: 2017-10-08 17:59:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeroxidePirate/pseuds/PeroxidePirate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kel's new friend, Wendy of Jesslaw, isn't exactly what she first seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Matched, Like It or Not

**Author's Note:**

> Like my fic, "Fencing Lessons," this started as a crack!fic idea and became oddly serious. "What if Owen was actually a girl?" turned into a coming of age story about a transgender character. I hope I handled it well.
> 
> Also note that I'm futzing with ages and Jesslaw family relations a little to fit the story.
> 
> Finally, this began life as a series of (closely connected) Smackdown ficlets, which results in some slightly odd chapter breaks.

More than once in her second year as a squire, Kel found herself sharing a bench or an alcove with Lady Wendy of Jesslaw. That fall, all the other squires seemed to be smitten with court ladies. They invited their favorites to parties and dances.

Wendy wasn't the type Kel would have guessed would be any young man's favorite – anymore than Kel, herself, was – though Cleon and Esmond both danced with her occasionally. She was tall, for a girl, and solidly built. Her curly hair was in a constant state of disarray. She was quick to laugh, even at jokes that made other girls blush. She was apt to speak without thinking, and obviously uneasy in the gowns she wore. But she was the cousin of Kel's friend Iden, a first-year squire, and Kel supposed he felt obligated to invite her.

"I think I'll take a walk," Wendy said, at a party one evening.

Kel looked around. The guests numbered twenty or so, half of whom were dancing. The other half were paired up, on couches or benches around the small banquet room. As was considered proper, there had been an equal number of men and women at the party's start, but two of the young men now seemed to be missing.

Kel stood when Wendy did. "Care for some company?"

"Sure." She flashed Kel a quick smile, and headed for the door.

Wendy led the way to the curtain wall. Kel swallowed hard, reminded herself she was not afraid, and followed the other girl up the stairs.

"Are you warm enough?" Kel asked. In her tunic and shirt, she was comfortable in the autumn breeze, but Wendy was wearing a sleeveless brocade robe over a dress that was probably silk.

"I'm fine," Wendy answered, with customary cheerfulness.

Kel nodded, and they walked in silence for a while.

"Can I ask you something?" Kel said, after a while. "Did you come to court to make a, a match with a young man?"

"I didn't," Wendy laughed. Then something changed in her expression, gray eyes going serious. "I'm already matched – like it or not."

"I see." Kel pondered that. "Do you know him? Your betrothed?"

"Not really. I met him once, at the convent. He came north after his Ordeal, last winter." Wendy shrugged, looking away. "He seems nice enough."

"But you don't love him."

"Love?" She laughed again. "I could take it or leave it. But I don't want to be his wife. I don't want to be any man's wife. Ever."

"You don't?" Kel asked, curious.

Wendy's expression was unreadable. Exasperated, somehow. And then she gripped Kel's arm, leaned in, and kissed her.

Breathless and weak-kneed, Kel clutched at Wendy's shoulders. A tiny, rational part of her mind pointed out that this idea was several kinds of bad. She'd been careful to stay out of romantic entanglements, and away form the gossip they would inevitably bring, so far – she had plans, goals, a shield to win. And Wendy was promised to someone else. Maybe she didn't desire the match, but that was for the lady and her betrothed to sort out. Until they did, this was just wrong. But oh, it was pleasant.

"There," Wendy said, after dragging her mouth away from Kel's. "Now do you understand?"

Kel blinked, trying to steady herself. Wendy was watching her, curls falling over her forehead, apprehensive but not a whit apologetic. "You... like kissing girls," Kel fumbled.

Wendy's cheeks went pink, but she grinned. "Yes, I do. Do you?"

"I never even considered it before..." Kel said slowly. "But kissing you, just now..." She felt herself blushing, too. "It was nice. Very nice."

"Kel, can you keep a secret?"

"Of course."

Wendy hesitated a moment, as though making up her mind. At last, deadly serious, she said, "I'm not really a girl."

"What?" Kel's eyes went automatically to her friend's chest, then the curve of her hips under her skirt.

Wendy drew in a huge, deep breath, let it out, and began to talk. "I mean, I am female. But inside – in my heart – I'm a boy."

Unsure how to respond, Kel waited.

"It's more than just that I like kissing girls. More than hating dresses and facepaint and – " Wendy's gesture took in hair, clothes, and body. " – all this. It's always been there. I can't change it. It happens, sometimes. They call it being tapped by the Trickster."

Kel winced in sympathy. "Oh, Wen –"

"Stop," Wendy said. "That's what I call myself. Owen."

"Owen," Kel echoed, trying out the name. Her friend looked back at her, gray eyes steady in her – no, his – ruddy face. Kel felt her perspective shift, just a little, and suddenly she understood everything that had been eluding her about Wendy, or Owen, of Jesslaw. "That explains way more than it doesn't."

She got a rueful smile in return. "Yeah, well." He was so awkward in that silk dress, but now Kel pictured him in breeches and shirt – hands shoved into his pockets, looking at her with a boyish grin.

"What should I call you?"

"Everyone calls me Wendy," he said, with dull resignation. "I'm used to it."

"But that's not what you call yourself," Kel said. "It's not who you are."

He looked up at her, sharply, with an expression of interest. "I'd like it if you called me Owen... but wouldn't it be awkward? Having to remember two names, and when to use each? You might forget, sometime."

"You're serious about keeping this secret?"

"At least for now. If it went around the Court..."

Kel sighed. She saw the point in that. "How about Wen? It could be short for Wendy, but we'd know it's short for Owen, too."

This got a laugh. "It sounds like 'when' – the time."

"Take your pick, then. Wendy, Owen, or Wen."

"I guess Wen would be all right."


	2. Trying to Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kel adjusts to what's she's just learned about Wendy.

"Wen. If you can't change being female," Kel said carefully, "might it be a little better if you weren't a lady? If you could be, I don't know, a Rider?" If you could have been a squire, she thought, but didn't say. Knighthood was expensive, and fifteen was (usually) too late to begin training.

"Of course. But Jesslaw needed this alliance with a neighboring fief. And it was all arranged when I was the only..." Wen gulped. "Only girl," he finished.

"Does anyone else know?"

He nodded. "A priest of the Trickster, in the City of the Gods – he's the one who helped me figure it out. And my brother." Warric, a fourth-year page, was two years younger than Kel and Wen. If he knew, then... "Probably Iden. They tell each other everything. I imagine that's why Iden looks out for me like he does."

Kel's heart broke for her friend, but he looked at her with frank self-assessment, not feeling sorry for himself at all.

"And there's nothing you can do?" Kel asked. "Except keep it hidden, and marry this man..."

"I don't know," Wen replied. "I'm trying not to think about it. It was in Mother's will, that I shouldn't enter an arranged marriage before I'm 18 – so I have a few years."

"We'll figure something out," Kel said, seriously. "You'd be miserable."

"I know." Wen ducked his head, curls falling half over his face. Kel reached up, unthinking, and tucked the hair behind his ear.

His hand closed over hers, and sudden heat shot through her. He must have felt it, too, from the look he gave her. Boyish grin.

"For now, I plan on kissing girls every chance I get," he said, still holding her hand.

"Girls?" Kel asked. "Or just a girl?"

"I guess that's up to you."

Kel wrapped her free arm around Wen's neck and stepped closer, leaning her forehead against his. "Kiss me," she said, "And I'll think about it."

His lips touched hers, softly, at first. Then he pressed forward, until Kel's back was against the wall, tunic catching on stone. Wen's arms around her waist held her steady, the silk of his sleeves warming against the twill of her tunic. She threaded the fingers of one hand into his long hair, cradling the back of his head. Her other hand gripped his arm, just below the shoulder, as they kissed. His lips were warm and firm, tongue teasing against hers. Then he drew back, but when she would have complained at the loss of contact, he tilted his head down to kiss her neck. His tongue and then – very gently – his teeth brushed her skin. She shivered, pleasantly, at the sensation. Taken as a whole, the experience was, and wasn't, exactly what she'd expected when she daydreamed about such things.


	3. Looking for Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kel, Protector of the Small, is determined to find a way to make things better for Wen.

"I've spent some time with your cousin, lately," Kel said casually.

Snow had begun to fall, so for the most part, weapons work had been moved indoors. In one of the practice courts, Kel and Iden had been sparring with staves. They were taking a breather, between bouts.

"Who, Warric?" Iden asked, eyes on the practice staff he was smoothing.

"Your other cousin." Kel kept the irritation out of her voice – she was sure Iden knew exactly what was going on.

"You mean Wendy. I thought you two would get along." He glanced up at Kel with a teasing grin that reminded her, a little, of Wen. "You have a lot in common."

"We get along well enough," Kel said forcing her voice to remain steady when thinking of Wen made her want to sing with joy. "But we don't have that much in common."

"No? You're both big, solid girls who aren't much for flirting and pretty things..."

"I like pretty things! I just happen to like using weapons, too." She hesitated, wondering how much Iden actually knew and how much he only suspected. "And I'm happy being a girl, as long as I get to be a knight, too. Wen is just the opposite."

This time Iden really looked at her. "I know. But none of can think of a thing to do about it."

.

Kel stretched out in bed, yawning a little. "What would happen," she asked, "if you just refused to marry him?"

Wen blinked sleepily, rubbing a hand over his face. "Why are you thinking about that now?"

Kel rolled onto her stomach, propping her chin in her hands so she could look at Wen. "Because I hate knowing there's a limit on the time we have together."

"Would you stay with me? If it was possible...?"

"Yes," Kel said, fiercely.

Wen's face lit with joy, and he leaned up to kiss her, sheet falling away to expose smooth pink skin to the room's cool air.

She broke away after just a moment, and when Wen reached for her, Kel caught her – no, she reminded herself, his – wrists and pinned them at his sides. "Stop," she said, though for a minute, she was half-laughing. "I'm entirely serious. What if you just told your father you won't do it?"

"I'd have to tell him why."

So they were back to that. Kel let go of Wen's wrists, lacing her fingers through his, instead. "I think you'll have to, sooner or later, anyway. You're not made for keeping secrets."

.

Third Company was called out early, that spring. Kel bid a reluctant goodbye to Wen, hoping against hope that summer would be good to her friend.

A few days later, Wen donned boys' clothes, pulled his hair into a horsetail, and made for the Riders' training yard. A Rider directed him to Commander Buri's office, and he knocked, hesitantly, on the open door.

"Commander?"

"Yes?" Buri looked up from her paperwork. "Come in. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to join up with the Riders, ma'am. I'm... Wen of Jesslaw."

"Wen?" Buri scrutinized him for a moment. "Do your people approve of your plans?"

"Yes, ma'am," Wen lied, with no hesitation. "My marriage is arranged, but it's not for a few years, yet. Until then, I'm free to do as I please. And it would please me to serve the crown."

"I see." She was still peering at him. "Don't take this the wrong way," she said at last, "but Wen is a very unusual name."

"It's short for Wendy," he said, cheeks flushing.

The commander grinned, unexpectedly. "All right. Meet me here at sunup tomorrow, ready to work, and we'll see what you can do."

.

The knock on Wen's door came the day before he was to move his things to the Riders' barracks. It was his brother, Warric, and his cousin, Iden. He let them in, with the minimum of pleasantries, already guessing what they were about.

"Wendy, what's this about you joining the Riders?" Warric asked.

Wen shrugged. "It sounded like fun. Hunting bandits and the like."

"But you're betrothed to Edgar of Pike's Hill," Warric countered.

"And? The wedding's not for another three years. Am I supposed to just sit around until then?"

"You should be... planning it... and things," Iden fumbled.

Wen laughed, looking at him with an expression of amused incomprehension. After a few seconds, Warric chuckled, too.

"I know," Iden admitted. "Stupid idea. But Wendy, you could get killed out there."

"He's right," Warric agreed. "You're my sister. I can't – "

"You're my brother," Wen argued. "And you're going to be a knight. It's the same."

"It's not... ok, maybe it is. But what about Sir Edgar?"

"Lord Edgar," Iden put in. "His father died at Samhien, remember?"

Warric glared at his cousin, before saying to Wen, "Even more reason Jesslaw needs this alliance. If you die – "

"Then Jesslaw will have to find some other way," Wen said, flatly.

"What, talk Margot into abandoning her commitment to the Goddess, so she can marry him?" Iden asked, laughing.

Wen sighed. Their younger sister had been devoted to the Mother Goddess, practically since she was born; at ten, she was already training to be a priestess.

"Maybe Father will remarry and have another daughter," Wen said.

Iden opened his mouth, but Warric cuffed him before he could start to talk. "You never know," he said, clapping Wen on the back.

Wen sighed. It was hopeless, and they both knew it. "I'm sorry," he said, miserably. "I'll try my best not to get killed out there. For Jesslaw."


	4. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kel returns to Corus in the fall, and finds that some things have changed over the summer.

Autumn brought Third Company back to Corus. Kel was still getting settled in her quarters, tripping over dog and sparrows every other moment, when a young man appeared in the half-open doorway.

"Can I help you?" she asked, barely looking up from her unpacking. The visitor was probably her own age, his skin tan from outdoor work, hair pulled back from his face.

"Kel?" he asked, in a voice she knew extremely well.

The slate she was holding slid from her hands, cracking in two when it hit the floor. "Wen!"

He kicked the door closed as he entered the room, and then she was in his arms, kissing hello with familiar enthusiasm. "Let me look at you," Kel said, when they stopped to breathe. "I didn't recognize you. What have you been up to?"

"I joined the Riders," Wen said, with a grin. "And I wrote to my father."

He said the last with high seriousness. Kel cupped his cheek. "Wen, did you..?"

"I didn't tell him," he said. "Not yet. But I asked him to come to Corus. Just a couple of weeks ago. I told him I joined the Riders. And I told him I had some other news."

"Good for you," Kel said, grinning.

Wen grinned back, and Kel almost laughed with joy. Instead she kissed him again, a playful tease of lips against lips, still smiling as his mouth opened to hers. Then Wen's smile gave way to intense concentration, as his hands moved across her back. There was no space between them, no room for Kel to get her hands in and unfasten Wen's tunic. She said as much, expecting a laugh. Instead he stepped back, just enough for them both to tug at clothing; just enough for her to see the desire shining in his eyes, and realize it matched her own.

"Goddess, I missed this," Kel gasped, as they collapsed onto the bed. Wen's tongue slid over her skin, hot and insistant, in all the ways she loved best. "This is even better than I remembered..." Her words trailed off, voice lost in another gasp.

Suddenly she gripped Wen's shoulders, harder. "Have you been practicing on other girls?"

"Never," came the answer, in a serious whisper. "Kel, there's nobody like you." When he spoke, his breath tickled her skin; between phrases, he kissed and sucked and nipped, and the combination nearly drove her mad. "You're the first girl who really looked at me. You've watched out for me. Protected me. You're terrific. I would never, never, do a thing to hurt you."

For a moment guilt twisted Kel's heart, as she remembered the way another young man had made her feel, that summer.

Then a flick of his tongue brought her back to the moment. "Owen," she cried, forgetting everything else.

.

They sat up, face to face, in Kel's bed. She leaned forward to kiss Wen, tasting herself on his lips. She deepened the kiss, leaning forward as she slid her hands down his chest. For the first time, he didn't try to push her away. She palmed Wen's breasts, small and firm in her hands, and from the response she got, plenty sensitive. "Feels good, doesn't it?" she asked, voice teasingly low.

"Of course it does," came the answer, almost a groan. "I didn't think you'd want to...."

"Of course I want to." Kel kissed her way lower, down Wen's chest and stomach, as she trailed fingers between Wen's thighs. He'd changed over the summer – become so much easier in his own skin, even if it would never be what he really wanted – and she was both flattered and excited that he trusted her enough for this. She moved lower yet, mouth never breaking contact, and Wen gasped again.


	5. News that Changes Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wen receives a letter that changes his future.

Kel found Wen sitting at a table in the Riders' mess hall, reading a letter. The expression on his face was intent, so she sat down without interrupting.

"I can't believe it!" he shouted, suddenly, crumpling the letter in his haste to stand up.

"What..?" she asked, as he hauled her to her feet and enfolded her in a tight hug.

"Kel, look!"

The letter was thrust into Kel's hand, and she began to read.

.

_Dear Wendy,_

I hope you are well. I received your letter, with its surprising news. As your father, I wish you'd seen your way to discussing your decision with me before you went and joined up. But you're a sensible girl, and I suppose you must have a reason for doing it the way you did. I know you've always been good with animals, and a fair shot with a bow, both of which ought to help you now.

I happened to get your letter just when I have some news of my own. You know Lord Edward of Pike's Hill passed on late in the year. In the months since then, I've worked closely with Edward's widow, Lady Andrea, helping her to manage things. You know I've always said it would make more sense to manage Jesslaw and Pike's Hill jointly, instead of as two separate fiefs? Well, we've been doing just that.

And in the process of working together, we fell in love.

Lady Andrea and I were married at the harvest celebration. I know you'll join your brother and sister in wishing us well, and in welcoming your new stepmother when we come to Corus for Midwinter.

There's one other thing, which applies to you, particularly. Wendy, your betrothal to Lord Edgar must be called off: since he is the son of your father's lady wife, he is now, in the eyes of the law, your brother.

I know a betrothal is a serious thing, and Andrea and I considered this carefully. But we love each other very much, well neither you nor Edgar has ever shown a particular desire for the match, beyond a willingness to do your duty to your respective fiefs. Andrea and I agreed that this would be best for everyone. We've written Edgar to let him know, as well.

As I said, we'll be in Corus soon. You're my daughter, Wendy, and Andrea and I will do our best to help you make another match – if that's what you want. But first, perhaps you'd better tell us the piece of news that's even bigger than joining the Riders. Then we'll decide how to proceed.

All my love,  
Father


	6. Matched, Like It or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wen's father and stepmother arrive in Corus; Kel and Wen muse on the future of their relationship.

"I think it agrees with you," Kel teased, "being free."

Wen shoved at her shoulder, pushing her onto her back. "I'm not..."

"All right." Kel spread out her hands in surrender. "But can we just pretend..?" As if they hadn't been pretending for months, now.

"Well." Wen's curls flopped onto his forehead, and Kel resisted the urge to reach up and push the hair back. "I guess that's an option."

"Ok, then." Kel grinned, reaching up to lock her hands around Wen's waist.

.

"The Riders' barracks are that way," explained the message runner. "But you might be more likely to find Wen in the palace itself, in the squires' wing."

"Would we?" asked Lady Andrea, with a tiny, understanding smile. She was an extroverted woman, who still remembered her own days as a young court lady, twenty-odd years before.

"Perhaps I could find her, and ask her to meet you in your quarters," the young man suggested.

"What makes you say that?" demanded Lord Henrick of Jesslaw.

The message runner averted his eyes.

"Nevermind. My son and my nephew are housed there, anyway. We'll go ourselves."

"Are you sure...?" asked the messenger, looking uncomfortable.

"Quite sure. The walk will do us good."

Lady Andrea passed a coin to the message runner, by way of thanks, and winked at him before following her husband down the hall.

.

Kel sat up straight, back resting against the headboard. Wen sat, half-slouching, in front of her. It put his head at the perfect level for her to comb his hair – which had to be done sooner, rather than later, or the snarls would take forever to get out.

"I think I'll cut my hair," Wen said. "It doesn't seem likely that I'm going to get stuffed back into a dress anytime soon, so I won't have to worry about a matching hairstyle."

"I like your hair," Kel countered. "And I like doing this."

"But we're not always together. Especially once my training is done, I'll be out with my Rider group..."

His voice trailed off, and Kel's hands went still.

"Let's not talk about that," she whispered.

.

"You two can stay here, and catch up with Warric," Iden suggested, looking at his cousin, then at his uncle and aunt, then back. "I'll see if I can find Wen. I mean, Wendy."

"Does she go by Wen?" asked Lady Andrea. She looked at her husband. "You never said."

"She never did," he answered. "Look, what is this?" he asked his son and his nephew. "First that message runner didn't want us to find her ourselves, and now it seems you don't, either. But you obviously know where she is! So take us to her, please. I want to see my daughter."

Warric and Iden looked at each other, helplessly. Henrick of Jesslaw was a force of nature – a jolly, personable, pleasant force of nature, yes, but no more resistable for that.

"Kel's room is this way," Warric said, stepping into the hall.


	7. Finding Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wen's father learns the truth.

"Almost done," Kel said, working the comb through a particularly stubborn curl.

Wen sighed, obviously getting bored.

"Maybe you're right," Kel admitted. She leaned forward, nipping playfully at the edge of his ear. "If I wasn't combing your hair, there are some other things..."

"We were done with the other things," Wen answered, but Kel could tell by his voice that he was grinning. "But if you want to start again..."

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Kel? Wendy?" Warric called.

"I thought he stopped calling you Wendy?" Kel asked, puzzled, as Wen scrambled out of bed and made a lunge for his shirt.

"Just give us a minute, please!" Wen answered. He turned to Kel, cheeks pink and eyes wide. "I've been so distracted... Kel, when does Midwinter start?"

"Day after tomorrow," Kel replied, pulling the sheet up past her waist. Without Wen in the bed, she was already getting cold. "Why?"

Before he could answer, the door opened, and four faces looked in – two apologetic, and two that quickly registered expressions of total shock.

For the first time – possibly ever – Lord Henrick of Jesslaw was rendered speechless.

.

"It's not what you – " Wen began. "Ok, it is what you think." He fumbled for words. "Father, I..."

"Lord Henrick, Lady Andrea, I presume?" Kel interrupted, Yamani training taking hold. She stood up, carefully, holding a blanket around herself. Even more carefully, she bowed. "Squire Keladry of Mindelan, at your service. I'll be able to receive you appropriately, if I might have five minutes?" When Lord Henrick continued to regard her with confusion, she gave him a polite smile. "This is my room."

Lady Andrea recovered her composure first, curtsying to Kel as though nothing out of the ordinary had transpired. "Of course. We'll be in the hall."

.

"Are you sure you want me there for this?" Kel asked, voice gentle.

"Yes," Wen insisted. "Especially if Lady Andrea is going to be there, too." He looked up at her, nervous and lost like a little boy, and all she could do was wrap her arms around him.

"You can do this, Owen," Kel said, seriously. "We can do this."

"Thanks," he said. "For everything." He kissed her quickly, and let her go. She reached out to him, twitching his tunic into place and smoothing his curls one more time. He strode toward the door. Kel followed.

.

Kel poured tea, which no one drank.

Lady Andrea looked like she was about to giggle. Kel was sure, thanks to her, that inside two days, the whole palace would know she and Wendy of Jesslaw were lovers – something they had managed to keep fairly quiet until now.

"Well, Wendy, I guess I see why you were never keen on marrying Edgar," Henrick said, with a boisterousness Kel could see was his usual mode of expression. "I can't see as I blame you for fancying ladies."

Kel looked at Wen, wondering if he was going to leave it at that. She would understand entirely if he did.

But he looked right at his father, gray eyes steady, and spoke without hesitation. "That's not all of it. Father, I'm not a honeylove. I'm a man who's been tapped by the Trickster. My name is Owen."

Kel had never been so proud.


	8. Finding Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kel and Wen make some decisions.

Eventually, Lady Andrea excused herself, citing a need to lie down and rest after the exertion of traveling from Jesslaw to Corus during the past few days. Owen and Henrick continued to talk – loudly, and with gusto – and after a few minutes, Kel decided a visit to palace stores was in order. "Please, feel free to use my room," she insisted: as a Rider trainee, she knew Wen didn't have a private space of his own, and Lady Andrea would be ensconced in the suite where she and Lord Henrick were staying.

An hour later, Wen found her in a courtyard, behind the kitchens, where they sometimes sat when they wanted to be alone.

"Owen of Jesslaw," Kel said, standing up as he approached. He gave her a grin that surpassed any she'd ever seen.

.

"After the initial shock," Owen said, "it turns out he wasn't that surprised."

"It's not the same, at all," Kel said, "but my parents were like that about me wanting to be a knight." She shrugged. "I think sometimes they understand us better than we expect."

"I guess." They looked at each other, strangely awkward for a moment, until Kel opened her arms. Owen was in them in a second, resting his head on her shoulder as they held each other.

"I'm proud of you," she said, smoothing his hair. "You're so brave, Owen. You'll be so much happier this way."

"What about you?" he asked, stepping back far enough to look at her. "We had three years... your time as a squire, my time until the wedding. Now the wedding's off, but you'll still be a knight."

Kel wanted to look away, but she couldn't. Not from Owen. She would look him in eye until the day she died – he deserved that, if anyone did. "And you'll be a rider." Kel sighed. "We have to talk about it."

It began to snow, and Kel's toes were already cold. They walked to keep warm, rather than going back to Kel's rooms or looking for another indoor location.

"We'll both have to go where we're needed," Kel said. "And knights and riders..." Her voice caught in her throat.

"Are different weapons, for different jobs," Owen finished. It was a saying he'd heard often enough, in training. "Needed in different situations."

"Different places," Kel whispered. "It would be bad enough if only one of us was in service to the crown – if one of us could come or go as we pleased, or at least stay in one spot."

"Or if we were in service together – if you were a rider. Or if I was a squire, too."

Kel sighed. "I thought, the first time we talked, that you should have been a squire."

Owen gave her a wry smile, tucking his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, well."

She linked an arm through his, and they walked in silence for a while.

Eventually, Owen spoke. "This – you and me – is doomed, isn't it?"

"Yes," Kel said, truthfully. She didn't say how much it hurt: she knew Owen could see it on her face.

"Better to end it now, and be done with it," he continued, "instead of dragging things out all winter."

Kel gave him a lopsided smile. "Thank you for being man enough to say it." So she didn't have to.

"Thank you for being the first one to understand the man in me," Owen said. He swept her into his arms, and into such a wonderful, mind-bending kiss that, for a moment, she wanted to stay with him even more than she wanted her shield. But it was only a moment, and it passed by.

.

Warric was getting ready for bed when he heard the knock on his door. It was his older sister – or was that brother? "Wen," he said, "Come in. How did it go?"

"Father came around," Wen said, closing the door behind him. "I'm lucky. I'm not sure about Lady Andrea – but I don't care. I'll be with the riders, anyway." He grinned at his brother. "And your position's safe, little brother. In the eyes of the crown, I'll always be a daughter of Jesslaw."

"Is that why you're so glum?"

"No, that's all right." Wen sighed, hair falling into his face. "Do you know a good barber? I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow."

"Wen. Owen."

He rubbed his cheeks with his hands. "Kel and I are through."

"What?" Warric said. "But you're crazy about each other."

Owen shrugged. "She's a squire, I'm a rider... we just can't see it working." He looked down, boot tracing a line on the floor. "Can I stay here tonight? I can't see going back to the barracks..."

Warric agreed without hesitation. "Of course. You're my brother."


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years later, Kel runs into some old friends.

_Eight Years Later, somewhere in central Tortall_  
.

"Lady Kel! Sir Merric!"

Kel shaded her eyes, trying to see who was calling her. It was a young woman in the uniform of the Queen's Riders.

"Who do you suppose that is?" Merric asked, reining in his horse.

Kel dismounted, handing her reins to the boy who came forward to take them.

"My lady," the young woman called again, and this time Kel recognized the voice – in combination with the black hair and moon-shaped face.

"Gydane! I'd heard you'd joined up."

Gydane saluted, and when she lifted her arm, Kel saw the insignia of a Rider second-in-command of a squad.

"Well met," Merric said, coming to stand halfway behind Kel. "If you're second, who's commanding the squad?"

Kel glanced at her husband, appreciating his solid presence at her back. It had been a long ride, and she wanted nothing so much as to drop into bed – or onto a bedroll, as the case may be.

"Owen of Jesslaw," Gydane answered.

Kel found herself grinning. She hadn't thought of Wen in months, perhaps years. "They put him in charge?" she asked, with a laugh.

"He said you knew each other." Gydane smiled. "I'll tell him you're here." She ducked into the nearest tent.

A moment later, a head of disarrayed, curly hair appeared at the tentflap. "Hello!" called Owen, crossing the space to greet Kel and Merric. He held out his arms, giving Kel a brisk, almost brotherly hug.

"How have you been?" Kel asked, stepping back.

"Jolly, especially lately."

"And have you met my husband? Merric, this is Owen of Jesslaw. Wen, this is Sir Merric of Hollyrose."

The two men exchanged greetings; Merric was relaxed, and Wen as cheerful as ever. Kel felt the lifting of a bit of tension she didn't know she'd been carrying. She and Merric were happy together, but in some corner of her mind, she had been wondering if her first lover had faired as well.

"You've met Gydo?" Owen asked, with exactly the same emphasis as Kel had used when mentioning Merric.

Kel looked at him, one eyebrow raised, and he gave her the slightest of nods.

She grinned. "Your second in command?"

"Riders," Merric said, shaking his head – but it was obviously teasing meant in good fun. To Owen, he said, "We knew Gydo up north, when she just was a skinny refugee kid. Kel taught her to use a spear."

"That's right," Kel confirmed. "She's a good kid, Owen."

"A good woman," he corrected. "But then," he added, "I've always been lucky like that."

Kel smiled at him, as she squeezed Merric's hand. "We've both been very lucky."


End file.
